Spring Break

Vern has been on spring break for a week! Do they REALLY need a week off? He is in 6th grade and not hitting any beaches soon...Anyway....

He is ready to get back to school even if he say he doesn't.  I'm tired of the lump on my couch. I am tired of battling - do your reading, stop playing the ipod, no more MineCraft, go get on the treadmill. DO SOMETHING!!!!

Click - TV on.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This morning Vern's alarm went off. Up he jumps. Drawers bang. Out he bounds to the kitchen.

He puts on his best pitiful voice when he sees me.

"Mommmmmm, I barely got 6 hours sleep last night." Sad puppy dog eyes follow.

"What happened?" I am a sucker for sad puppy dog eyes.

"I couldn't sleep."

I give him a big hug and start my get off the couch lecture.  I shouldn't have done the lecture but I am a mom and sometimes it is a requirement...

"I'm sure you will sleep better tonight after a long day at school and confirmation tonight."

"Ya, Love ya mom. Have a good day!"

I love you too Vern!!!!

Bathroom Rules

This blog comes on the heels of my Toilet Cleaning blog, where I talk about how no one person is any more or less important than another and how cleaning toilets is a very humbling experience.

As a result of my humbling experience, we had Bathroom 101 in our household this evening. Now this is a definite 101 class and it needs to be repeated every so often as users of said bathroom seem to forget there are A-N-Y rules at all.

The basics of this class include:

How to throw trash into the trash receptacle instead of wherever it happens to land on the floor, counters or towels.

How to put the toilet lid up, pee, wipe up various splatters or other messes, flushing, and putting lid back down. Now you might think I am a finicky lady that doesn't want to fall in when using the toilet. This is a very good reason but not the reason I used. I have a pet that is not allowed to drink regular tap water or their kidneys will act up and they will D-I-E. This is why it is very important to put the seat down after use. This has been explained before but this section of class needs repeated often.

Next the class moves on to showering basics. This includes things such as the shower walls are not to be used as a collection point of Ann hair. This same concept holds true for the drain. Soap is included in the showering process and not an optional feature to be used occasionally.

Finally we move onto the final - how not to turn the bathroom sink into a nuclear war zone in under 1 day. Toothpaste is meant to clean teeth, not left in the sink for things to drop into it. Once again not a hair collection zone. We like to look at Ann's hair on her head - not drizzled over the sink. Finally, every toiletry you own does not have to sit on top of the sink for the entire world to look at. We believe you have sufficient product that does not need to be kept out for all to see. It is not that amazing, we all have those supplies.

Of course this class was met with groans and I know mommmmmmmmmmmm.  We shall see if it does any good.

Up next week, Bathrooms 202, how to clean a bathroom the MOM way!!!

One liners

The Thursday before the big championship game, Vern hurts his neck. Some kid hit him and gave him quite a stinger. We went to urgent care and things looked OK. The bad part, Vern was not cleared to play until we went to see our primary care doctor.

On that Friday off to Docs we go to see if Vern will be able to play in the championship game.  In comes Doc. He is a happy guy and likes to joke with the kids. In he blazes with his jovial personality and joking with Vern. (He is handsome so that is a fringe benefit. hee hee)

 He then begins to ask Vern questions about his injury. How did it happen? Where does it hurt? You get the picture.

Then, Doc gets to....are you having any headaches?

Vern looks over at me, doesn't break a smile but has a twinkle in his eye and proceeds to say - Only her.

Doc can't help it. He bursts out laughing.  Then Doc asks Vern, Do you cook?

Vern replies, Yes, macaroni and cheese!

OK Doc concedes - proceed on teasing your mom.


At work later....


I'm working away in my cube and Vern is sitting beside me reading. We are quietly minding our business when we hear Lady B (for b*tch) stop in to talk to Lady A in an office very nearby.

Lady B proceeds to start in (if you work in an office you know the type - never happy and always complaining about something). ")@)@$)#$)_++(_!*_$%$&&^$^&GW%(^*(#Y@;#);@# Squawk squawk squawk" On and on and on.

Vern suddenly stops reading.  Looks up and says to me, "What is THAT ladies problem? She sure is cranky!"

It took everything in me not to burst out laughing. I did have to instant message what Vern said to a couple of people that know her and we had a good laugh.  Sometimes you can't fix cranky but you sure can laugh about it.

Morning Star Wars Humor

First a little scene setting...
There is a piece of something laying on the floor. I am staring at it from the couch. Superman is standing above it and Vern is sitting beside me.

I say(M): "What is that on the floor?"

Superman (S): "Looks like a piece of Vern's backpack that he had out here earlier."

(M): "Would you please pick it up?"

(S): "That is a long way down. I may blow a gasket trying to pick it up."

Now all 3 of us are staring at this bit of whatever on the floor.

Vern: "Use the force!" As he holds out his arm and wills the piece of whatever to levitate off the floor and into Superman's hand.

Vern made my day and gave me a laugh. He is my hero!

Politics

Grandma and Grandpa B. came down to celebrate Ann's birthday.  While we are sitting there chatting, I am filling out paperwork for this and that.  One of the forms I am completing is the voter registration for myself (name change) and John (first time voting).

I am addressing the envelope and Grandma (my mom) asks me what I am registered as - Democrat or Republican. I promptly answer independent. I vote the issues not with a political party. I barely get that out of my mouth when Vern chimes in, I'M REPUBLICAN! Proud as can be.

My mom proceeds to make some gurggly noises and says OH MY GOD why would you EVER be Republican?

Deadpan Vern replies - Obama.

I look intently at the envelope as my mom tries to recover by saying "Well one man didn't do all that."

Sorry mom, Vern got you on that one.

Hanging by a thread

The other day I received a surprise phone call after school from Vern. I knew it must have been important as first he called the cell phone and since I didn't pick that up he called the work phone.

Here is how the conversation went:

V - "Mom I took Mia out to go potty. She went poop but it's still hanging there with a string in her butt hole!  What do I DOOOOO?"

M - "Calm down. Is she still outside?"

V - "Yes."

M - "OK, Get a paper towel and go pull it out."

V - "WHAT?!?!?!??!!??!?  NO WAY. THAT IS GROSS. MOMMMMMM, HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU????"

M - "Yes. With the cats. I will stay on phone with you if you want."

V - "Yes mom."

Various noises I can't quite detect.

V - "OK Mom, I have the paper towels."

I'm picturing 1/2 a roll.

I hear the door open.

V - "Oh mannnnnnn......
       This is  SO GROSS"

More boy sounds of being grossed out.

Finally...

V - "OK Mom, I got it.  Talk to you later."

Paper Potatoes

Tonight I was helping Vern clean off the dinner dishes and as I was wiping down the table I wondered to myself what the heck post I was going to write this week on Vern. I was trying very hard to come up with something funny he did and WA LA! Vern hands me this post on a silver platter.

Vern:  "What were those potatoes tonight mom? Were they fake?"

Me: "Yes, they were instant potatoes."

Vern: "Please please PLEASEEEEEEEEE never make them again Mom."

Me: "Why?"

Vern: "Because they tasted horrible!  Mom, they tasted like P-A-P-E-R!"

Me: (thinking to myself - yes they were pretty bad)

Vern: "Those are the kind of potatoes they serve in prison. I saw it on a TV show."

Me: "Like green jello?"

Vern: "Mom, what are you talking about?"

Me: "Oh I was told they serve green jello in jail and it tastes horrible."

Vern: Looking at me in a funny way.  "Just serve the yellow ones next time please and not these paper potatoes."

He is right, those potatoes I made tonight will not be served again unless we are starving!

~~Rumble in the arena~~

Here in the Midwest there is a popular car racing event called figure 8 racing. Yes, the cars race around in a figure 8 and try not to crash or kill each other. This particular event was held inside a horse arena so there was NOT MUCH ROOM.  The only other times I had seen figure 8 racing it was on an actual dirt track and much much larger.  Even with the tight space they had up to 7 cars in a heat! A heat is a qualifying race to get into the final race where the $$$$ is paid out.

Let's go back to earlier in the evening...

The evening starts out that Ann had to babysit so the "boys" wanted to do something special. When I say boys, I mean my wonderful husband and my two boys. I was not at all interested in going out again as I had been running kids here and there and had been doing errands all day. I wanted to stay home, build a fire in the firepit and enjoy being home. Well as you see from this blog the boys won. They suggested doing something boring like go to a movie. I said no way, if I am going out we are doing something different. We are going to the races.

ALL 3 of them looked at me like I was from Pluto.

Really, these are supposedly men/boys with testosterone. Why wouldn't they like cars and crashes and loud engines with straight pipe exhaust????? I was stumped.  I had the oldest one (husband) even post to FaceBook what a stupid idea it was.  John was going to bring a book to read. Only Vern was mildly interested and open to the idea.  I am shaking my head in wonderment. How can I be the "girl" and be excited to be going? I had not been to the races since I was in high school and that was a longggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg time ago!

After further investigation it was revealed none of them had ever been to a race like this before. I was surprised the husband had not as he grew up in the midwest. Maybe he just says he likes cars as he drove a tiny "Golf" when I met him...Oops, digressing.

So we get there, find our seats and settle in for the races. Here is a pre-race photo. They are pretending to be excited but John was bemoaning how he didn't fit in and only red-necks were there. I looked at them and said your mom is a redneck???? I hardly think so. They shut up.

Finally the first heat started. They brought out 7 cars and we each picked one to cheer for the win.  They went around the track once, had a huge crash and 4 of the 7 cars had to be hauled off the track with tractors! What a way to begin.  Those 3 remaining cars finished the race (10 laps) and the boys were hooked. Y-E-S!

Vern began chattering non-stop. The husband began naming all the kinds of cars coming out for the next heat and even John sat there interested, talking and asking questions.  I was smiling from ear to ear.  Here is a shot from one of the first heats in open class. Open class is where anyone with a car and the car set up correctly can enter the race.

Those cars raced around the track and tossed mud at us. Vern could not stop talking and asking questions and having a blast. I gave them all some $$ and sent them to the consession stand during a fix the track break and they came back with even bigger smiles. A little junk food goes a long way with boys. The husband brought me a beer so I was in heaven on earth - cold beer, loud rumbling engines, and my favorite men in the world around me.

After the open class was the official racing class. These cars had bigger engines that ran on racing fuel and their exhausts were straight pipes out of the engine. Here is a photo of this class.

The races were great and the evening fabulous except for one small thing. I found out too late that I could have entered the powder puff race after the main race!!!! The powder puff race is where girls get into the feature race cars and go around a few times for a small prize.  I so would have done it and fulfilled one of my bucket list items. Maybe next time...

Vern had such a great time he drempt about it that night and is still talking about them days later. He wants to go see a demolition derby next. He was looking those up on the internet to find out where they were.  I'm glad my men do have testosterone even if I have to drag it out of them. :-)

Some days...

We all feel like this.

Classic Vern

So we were out and about with just Vern, Superman, and me. Superman mentions Vern wants ice cream. I say are you sure it's Vern that wants the ice cream?  Superman emits a resounding "YES".
"You want ice cream right Vern"
"Huuuhhh?????" Coming from the back seat
"I didn't say any such thing!" Vern denied entire thing and blamed Superman. It was very funny.

Sooooo, the boys got their ice cream. They are eating it and no radio or anything on in the car when all of a sudden Vern says, "Hey mom, do you think the world will end in zombies or fire?"
"Um, I hadn't really thought about it why?"

"Well, zombies are very smart. I think that is how it will end."

"How are zombies formed?"

"Oh the farmers will catch it first.  It will get in the water and farmers drink it."

"Yikes that can't be good.  What will happen when you go to Grandpa's in a couple weeks?"  (Grandpa lives on a farm in Iowa.)

Silence.
More silence.  You can feel Vern thinking hard.

"Mom, Does grandma have pop at her house?  Man, it is probably diet pop. I hate diet."

"Vern," I say, "You won't turn into a zombie at Grandpa's house. You can drink the water it is safe."

More silence.
 "I'm sure grandma has juice." I offer up.

Instant perk up from the back seat.  "I'll drink that then!"

"Besides," he continued, "I don't think the zombies will come for another 100 years or so."

Later on that evening when I was outlining this blog and reading parts out loud, John his older brother is listening.  He starts laughing and I ask what part do you think is funny?  He says, oh I told him a zombie story from the movie Crazies a few days ago.  So now we know where some of Vern's material originates from!!!

Back to the story...

A few miles down the road Vern then asks if he can take bb gun to grandpas. It didn't register at the time but I bet it was so he can kill zombies. He had to go on and tell me how powerful this gun was and how he wished it had a red light laser scope on it.

Those zombies at Grandpa's farm won't have a chance now!!!!

A phone call to Vern

****** RING - RING******


****** RING -  RING******

****** RING - RING******


me thinking (are they going to answer?)
 
****** RING - RING******


Vern: "MOMMMMM you are bothering me!"
 
Me: "Oh, I am sorry what is going on?"
 
Vern: "I am reading."
 
Me: "You are?" Said in stunned disbelief.
 
Vern: "Yes now good bye!"
 
Click
 
Vern read by himself and without prodding. Maybe all our nagging is working????
Well, at least for this week.

TOO funny not to post

One of Vern's jobs every night is to set the table.  I made stew tonight. He did great by determining we were having stew and not setting plates on the table as he usually does.  Vern had soup bowls and spoons all set.

Vern is also very smart in that he knows Superman does not like a regular spoon to eat cereal, soup, ice cream, etc., basically anything you need a spoon to eat. Vern knows Superman likes a tablespoon to eat these things with.  So you can imagine my surprise when I walk in the door tonight and see this at Supermans place setting.

We must be out of clean soup spoons.  That is an ice cream scoop if you can't see it to well.


Still laughing.