Morning Star Wars Humor

First a little scene setting...
There is a piece of something laying on the floor. I am staring at it from the couch. Superman is standing above it and Vern is sitting beside me.

I say(M): "What is that on the floor?"

Superman (S): "Looks like a piece of Vern's backpack that he had out here earlier."

(M): "Would you please pick it up?"

(S): "That is a long way down. I may blow a gasket trying to pick it up."

Now all 3 of us are staring at this bit of whatever on the floor.

Vern: "Use the force!" As he holds out his arm and wills the piece of whatever to levitate off the floor and into Superman's hand.

Vern made my day and gave me a laugh. He is my hero!

Crushed

So the other week we were sitting in church.

Things were going OK for once. Vern and Ann were on each side of me. No shoes were being tossed. No whining, pinching, poking, prodding, or otherwise goading was occurring. They were awake but slouching. I call that a win for our family in church.

Then I look over to my right...

Vern had begun moaning loudly - holding his crotch.

"What happened?" I whisper.

"Moooom, I moved wrong in my chair and crushed my balls."

More writhing in agony but maintaining his balance on the chair.

"Mom, can I go to the bathroom?"

"No."

"But I maybe bleeding to death. I need to check."

"Church is almost over you can wait until we are finished."

Picture more groaning and writhing and carrying on in his chair.

"Mom, there go your grand kids!" (still holding his crotch and rolling to the floor)

I am trying SO hard to keep a straight face and finish church. I fail - the giggle escapes.

"Go in Peace - Serve the Lord
PEACE BE TO GOD "

Church is officially over. Vern sprints to the restroom to verify the family jewels are indeed not bleeding. Once reassured of that fact, he comes to the realization he will live. Life is once again good in Vern's world.

Hanging by a thread

The other day I received a surprise phone call after school from Vern. I knew it must have been important as first he called the cell phone and since I didn't pick that up he called the work phone.

Here is how the conversation went:

V - "Mom I took Mia out to go potty. She went poop but it's still hanging there with a string in her butt hole!  What do I DOOOOO?"

M - "Calm down. Is she still outside?"

V - "Yes."

M - "OK, Get a paper towel and go pull it out."

V - "WHAT?!?!?!??!!??!?  NO WAY. THAT IS GROSS. MOMMMMMM, HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU????"

M - "Yes. With the cats. I will stay on phone with you if you want."

V - "Yes mom."

Various noises I can't quite detect.

V - "OK Mom, I have the paper towels."

I'm picturing 1/2 a roll.

I hear the door open.

V - "Oh mannnnnnn......
       This is  SO GROSS"

More boy sounds of being grossed out.

Finally...

V - "OK Mom, I got it.  Talk to you later."

Classic Vern

So we were out and about with just Vern, Superman, and me. Superman mentions Vern wants ice cream. I say are you sure it's Vern that wants the ice cream?  Superman emits a resounding "YES".
"You want ice cream right Vern"
"Huuuhhh?????" Coming from the back seat
"I didn't say any such thing!" Vern denied entire thing and blamed Superman. It was very funny.

Sooooo, the boys got their ice cream. They are eating it and no radio or anything on in the car when all of a sudden Vern says, "Hey mom, do you think the world will end in zombies or fire?"
"Um, I hadn't really thought about it why?"

"Well, zombies are very smart. I think that is how it will end."

"How are zombies formed?"

"Oh the farmers will catch it first.  It will get in the water and farmers drink it."

"Yikes that can't be good.  What will happen when you go to Grandpa's in a couple weeks?"  (Grandpa lives on a farm in Iowa.)

Silence.
More silence.  You can feel Vern thinking hard.

"Mom, Does grandma have pop at her house?  Man, it is probably diet pop. I hate diet."

"Vern," I say, "You won't turn into a zombie at Grandpa's house. You can drink the water it is safe."

More silence.
 "I'm sure grandma has juice." I offer up.

Instant perk up from the back seat.  "I'll drink that then!"

"Besides," he continued, "I don't think the zombies will come for another 100 years or so."

Later on that evening when I was outlining this blog and reading parts out loud, John his older brother is listening.  He starts laughing and I ask what part do you think is funny?  He says, oh I told him a zombie story from the movie Crazies a few days ago.  So now we know where some of Vern's material originates from!!!

Back to the story...

A few miles down the road Vern then asks if he can take bb gun to grandpas. It didn't register at the time but I bet it was so he can kill zombies. He had to go on and tell me how powerful this gun was and how he wished it had a red light laser scope on it.

Those zombies at Grandpa's farm won't have a chance now!!!!